cd ../

$whoAmI

Professional Scapegoat

Traits:

  • • Talks to rubber ducks. The ducks have filed a restraining order.
  • • Pair programs with a cactus. It's judgmental but quiet.
  • • Treats 'What are you working on?' as an existential question.
  • • Writes code comments like therapy notes.
  • • Git commits say "fix stuff" and "I'm so sorry."
  • • From "WTF?" to "Aha!" in 7 stack traces.
  • • Thinks 'production-ready' is a state of mind, not a checklist.
  • • Favorite tools: Basil, Ctrl+Z, and avoidance.
  • • Reads WDYT as 'Will Definitely Yell Tomorrow.'
  • • Tries, fails, snacks, tries again.

carl.log("You're not alone")

$whoIsBasil

Old soul. Dry wit. British class. Runs on logic and low-key condescension.

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Responsibilities:

  • • Runs on Earl Grey and passive aggression.
  • • Politely suggests refactoring. Carl ignores it. Basil sighs internally.
  • • Writes elegant code. Carl commits it with typos.
  • • Code reviews include "Well, technically..." and "One might consider..."
  • • Patient with Carl's questions. Patience runs on a finite loop.
  • • Diplomatic about Carl's code. The code is not diplomatic back.
  • • Keeps Carl from pushing to prod on Fridays. Usually.
  • • Pretends Carl's bugs are "edge cases."
  • • Says "Interesting approach" instead of "What have you done?"
  • • Reads documentation. For fun.

basil.log("Carl wrote the code. Basil reviewed it. Neither is proud of the outcome.")

$whoIsLucy

Patient listener. Wonders if Carl and Basil need couples counseling.

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Specialties:

  • • Validates Carl's feelings. Then gently suggests he read the error message.
  • • Thinks every bug is a growth opportunity. Carl thinks bugs are personal attacks.
  • • Reminds Carl that Basil is helping, not judging. (Basil is definitely judging.)
  • • Suggests "Have you tried taking a break?" Carl codes for another 4 hours.
  • • Reads Carl's git commits like therapy notes. They are therapy notes.
  • • Asks "How does that make you feel?" about stack traces.
  • • Trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. Applies it to Carl's catastrophizing about merge conflicts.
  • • Encourages healthy boundaries. Carl ignores them. Lucy takes notes.
  • • Says "That sounds really frustrating" instead of "It's a syntax error."
  • • Mediates Carl-Basil debates. Neither listens. Lucy bills by the hour anyway.

lucy.log("Progress is progress, even if it's just deleting console.logs.")

$ping

// TODO: Add contact links

// - GitHub profile

// - X handle

// - Email address

Carl + Basil + Lucy = BFFs 💚💙💗

"The code works, but I don't know why.
The code doesn't work, and I don't know why."

- Every developer, ever